gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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