She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
