Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize