sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
