Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Let's get the cat blown out
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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