That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
