sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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