it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
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