There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
