so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
