Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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