Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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