I wish my penis had an off switch
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize