I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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