remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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