she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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