I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
