...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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