Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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