you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize