I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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