I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
