I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
