she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
