I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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