Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
