i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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