got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
