it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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