So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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