Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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