I just threw up on my dentist
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
