Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
