all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
