i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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