Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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