i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize