Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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