went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I can't put those talents on a resume
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
