The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
