we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
