Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
