No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
