Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
