you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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