i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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