I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
