he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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