i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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