1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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