Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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