she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
