my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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