I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Even my vagina gasped.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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