I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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