My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
