I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
