How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
