The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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