My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
