I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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