were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
