So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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