I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
