If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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