I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
