just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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