A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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