last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
