Hey man sorry I got all grabby
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
