I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
