nut hugger
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
