I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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